Wow!… Where to begin. To go all the way to the beginning would be a little much but would probably help me to understand why I am so committed to the term “Knowing Thy Self”. Of course as a spiritual healer it wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t tell you that everything is a little backwards right now because of the Retrograde happening in outer space. For those who are not in the astrology loop, a retrograde is a great time to stop everything in its tracks and do three important things. Rest, Reflect and Relax. Sounds amazing doesn’t it? Well…. A retrograde doesn’t always work out that way. What normally happens is that it forces everything to stop dead in its tracks and then rewinds it, all to make sure that you got the message so that you don’t repeat it again.
In my opinion, Retrogrades are like a bully that keeps pushing you down even when you keep getting back up every single time. Now that my friend, is called resiliency.
Retrogrades have done a number on my life and it’s always been about the same thing…. Finances. I was never one to want to work for someone if it wasn’t making me feel fulfilled. I also still feel this up to this day, that if I was dreading waking up and doing a job that I didn’t love then my life was for what?….If that makes any sense. I’ve had a dream ever since I was a little girl…. To give and receive as much love as possible in this life time.
I grew up in a family that showed little love if any. And I saw a lot of hard work that went into building a foundation off of materialistic items rather than healthy unapologetic LOVE. I can’t blame them… and maybe I can’t blame myself for the decision I’ve had to battle with.
After having my son who is now 12…. I knew the moment I laid eyes on him, I could never leave him in the care of not one single soul until he could speak for himself. I was supposed to go back to my job as a receptionist but I was just figuring this whole Mom thing out and just getting the hang of it. He brought so much joy and a surge of possibilities and wonders that I forgot was there. Besides, Daycare was and still is a mortgage payment. So with that I chose to stay home….
I went on to have two more kids, all of them three years apart. I worked part time here and there and every now and then would run into people who I thought had amazing jobs and lives, going through University and whole bit and they would say that they were unhappy. so how to make sense of it all….
I’ve never had much in terms of finances, even as a kid and I hated it! I hated not being able to go on trips around the world like all my friends, to go to Florida for March break. You get the gest of it. I still haven’t been to Disneyland and I’m pretty sure you can’t get to Disneyland on love alone…. Can you?
I’ve always dreamed of starting my own business spreading love and healing others because I know how difficult it is to heal on our own…. And when you’re a Mom where that child needs you for everything including it’s memories and happiness…Sigh!…It can feel like A LOT of pressure. I can confidently say that if I never took that night to just sit in silence on my balcony I would have never known the joy of meditation. If I never took that prenatal yoga class downtown, which I might add, I was super afraid to go to on my own but I did… I would have never known the true joy and of the gentleness of my body and what it was capable of doing. Body, mind and spirit. It changed my life.
You know now that I think about it…. It was spirit all along guiding me back to me. I did what I said I was going to do which was to open a healing business. However business has been slow getting off the ground. Yoga could be more consistent and that comes down to me having more confidence in going out there and believing in my gifts and promoting myself.
So I’m not sure if the Universe trying to tell me to find the balance of working a full time job to create a stable foundation to continue to work of the Universe or is it that the stable foundation comes from healthy love and the rest is history. Just trust the process.
I’ve went to many of profound gifted people who have all said that I will have a business that will literally grow on its own. So far so good in the Yoga department. That I will travel the world spreading positive vibes and love and that I will inspire many people in the process. In the core of my being, I believe that with all my heart. It’s a bit difficult to see the bigger picture when other obstacles get in the way though.
The truth is….. I don’t want to go back to work full time in the corporate world. I’ve worked so hard in not only finding my voice and building the confidence to achieve what I’ve achieved up to this point and those are amazing accomplishments in itself. It just feels like I’m giving up and taking the easy route or the safest one…. But I want a house with a backyard and I want to travel with my family and experience all the wonders of the world… AND… have the means to do it without having to choose or scrounge…. ALL while doing what you love! Continue reading “Making Sense of it All”