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Pregnant over 35

I came home early from our trip because I wasn’t feeling well. I can’t lie, I didn’t want to go anyway. For a woman who loves the summer weather, today was not the day. It might actually never be the day until I give birth. Did I forget to tell you that I’m pregnant? That’s right Pregnant! It’s not the first but it will for sure be the last. The Final Arcana in my mind. Have I told everyone yet….NO!… It is baby number 4… I feel like by the time a woman gets to baby number 3 it’s not as exciting anymore when you tell people. it’s kinda like they’re like…”well you’ve been there done that” So you’re not as special as the women who are having their first. Especially if you’re over the age of 35. I fell like people are like, “We know you can have a baby, you don’t have to prove it to us… Or, “we get it, you have lots of sex. Anyway by the time you get to baby number 4, people start to feel sorry for you like it was an accident or like you’re dying or something. It’s almost as if they feel sorry for you. There’s no congratulations, its more of , “you poor dear. Can you afford this baby. Can anyone afford babies. If I was Halle Barry or Jlo, It wouldn’t be such a big deal , but because I’m living in a 3 bedroom apt. it’s a travesty. It’s like society wants to make you feel bad about your decision, not like it was a choice to have another baby, none of them were. We intentionally tried once, my husband and I and it never worked, it’s when we weren’t trying that It came naturally, all of our children, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

So for right now, I keep it a secret for just myself and a select few who I trust. Which is not many. To be honest , I haven’t received any positive reactions. only my neighbor and the kids and my husband.. but most guys are excited like they scored in the end zone. You know back in the day, I would have been the one to say oh no!…but a life coming into this world is a true blessing no matter what the circumstances are. It  means that God chose for that spirit to enter into your life… and this time it chose me once again to be the vessel. Am I sick as a dog right now?…YES!!! do I want to blink and suddenly be at the end, getting ready to give birth?… YES!!!! but I was chosen so I must grit my teeth and bare down to get through each month.

I don’t share my thoughts  very often because I’m good at reading people’s thoughts.. its a gift I have. What I’ve come to realize is that people are very judgmental, and feel like they have their own opinion on how many  kids a woman should have, so of course it’s no different with me. but they don’t understand the back story to my life and how this pregnancy means something more than just baby number 4.

After having Nyla, who is child number three, I had encountered many people…people meaning Psychics, who told me I would have another baby and it would be a boy. Now right after having Nyla, I was definitely not thinking about having another baby, and I didn’t think about it for over 6 years, until, this year of 2019 when I lost my dog. I was already pregnant at the time but would have had an abortion because of how sick… it was bad… I was losing weight rapidly and was throwing up like my life depended it on it.  Our Cacao, that’s our Chocolate Lab who passed away in March of this year. He was getting old and I was getting very sick from the pregnancy. I couldn’t take care of him and myself. It was clearly evident that I had to make a decision to either keep the baby or let it go. when I made the decision to for through with the abortion and the next day we lost our beloved dog. I don’t think I could have held down the family and myself during such a tragic loss. I had never lost someone so dear to my heart before. It was  a double loss. having to make  a choice  to say goodbye to a spirit in my belly and having to say goodbye to my dog. I almost never forgave myself for that decision. My husband had said to me, “Who would have taken Cacao to heaven”. So there’s a reason for everything. Just like there’s a reason for me having this baby. There’s no such thing as a coincidence in my mind. This baby will be born the same week that our dog passed away. Crazy right?…

I’ll never forget meeting that man in the parking lot after me specifically stopping and asking God to send me an answer. and so he did, in the form of this man who had told me that I would have a son and through this pregnancy, success would come, I would travel and have my own business. something I’ve always dreamed of. I’ve been incredibly emotional with this pregnancy, and feel like I have no control, hence why I’m writing my thoughts out. I asked God what should I do now that I’m on this new journey…. And God said,  “write!!!” So here I am documenting my experience being pregnant with baby number 4 at the age of… 37… soon to be 38 in October.

I had a vivid dream 2 years ago that we had bought our dream house and we were standing in front of it . Marcus, Kaori and Nyla were standing  in the photo… Mike and I was holding a baby.. we had a new dog, a golden Retriever and it was fall. That dream has stuck with me until this day, and now I believe it’s time to fulfill that dream. No matter what age or how many children I have.

life lessons, Uncategorized

Getting rid of the leftovers

So we’re almost at that midway point Of the year and it’s a full moon today. Called the Flower moon…. A time to assess the last few years of your progress… great job everyone! As well as a time to rid yourself of the last bit of leftovers that have kept you back from being your true self. That means getting rid of the emotional baggage such as the guilt, the resentment, the hurt and the false belief that you’re not good enough. It’s the crap that still wants to hold on tight to our aura because it has nowhere else to go and it’s ver comfortable in the parts of your being where it’s of course making your life miserable.

The Flower moon is all about fertility. That means new beginnings… the blossoming of the new you…. new experiences. No more leftover feelings that no longer serves your purpose.

We all have a tendency to continue go down the same path that always leads to a dead end which means you just have to repeat the same path or situation until you can get pass that particular obstacle or obstacles.

So how can you get rid of the last bit of leftovers?…..

  • Really get down to your feelings and figure out what’s weighing you down. Once you get real with yourself, take the time to write yourself a goodbye letter to the old you. You can take it one step further and burn it (please remember to be safe)
  • Make a list of all the things you’ve ever wanted to do… and get ready to step out of your comfort zone. Coming out of comfort zone allows you to get to know yourself a bit better and how far you can reach in this vast Universe of possibilities.
  • Make sure you’re staying true to who you are… and the only way to do that is to surround yourself with positive vibes. Keep yourself afloat with the feel good flow, you know the things that keep you motivated.

Remember the only way to release is to realize.

Realize your ability for growth and change.

Realize all the work you’ve done to get to this point.

And most importantly… Realize your worth.

You’re definitely worth more than you realize.

Happy Full moon.

Uncategorized

Nurturing the success of your children as well as yourself

Now I’m no expert in parenting but going to an event that I was already hesitant to go to but for some reason decided to stop in got me thinking really hard… I mean some real food for thought.

The event was in honour of people of colour for Black history month a friend of mine had invited me and so I thought I don’t think I’ve ever really honoured my blackness in public with other people of colour so why not go. The speaker was someone very influential. So I guess I wanted to hear how this woman got to where she was today all while being a mother. When the question was finally raised about motherhood and how she had navigated through all of her rise to success all while being a single mom her response was this, “it was all a blur” which would explain a lot.

You see I don’t know this speaker personally but I do know of her daughter and I know that in someways her Mother’s success affected her In many ways then one and that’s what got me thinking…. even though she is very successful in her career the parenting piece was all a blur. What I’m saying is I don’t want my parenting and my time with my kids to be a blur because I was so driven towards my own success. We can find success in so many different things we can find success in the big things as well as the little things and sometimes the success that we do find is really those happy times and those connected moments with the ones we love.

Even as women of colour there is always this hardness behind us that’s more along the lines of ‘suck it up butter cup’, as oppose to the gentle nurturer. I can attest by my own mother and how she navigated through her career and being a Mom. Now that I’m a Mom, I can understand where they were coming from. They were single Moms who were really living in survival mode for themselves and most importantly for their children and so they did what ever they had to, to get to that next level, even if it meant that the kids wouldn’t get the gentle Motherly type.

So the question is how can we as parents nurture our success and our children’s success at the same time?….

These are some of the tools I’ve learned and continue to apply to my life and my family life.

1) in order to nurture the success of your children you first have to find out what they love… as a Mom I have always paid attention to the interest of my kids. My son loves science and nature and so we try and find activities that foster his interests.

My middle one loves gymnastics and is a natural and my little loves music and so I’m slowly moving her in that direction because that’s what she loves. Now of course as a parent I had different plans but when the Universe shows you the joy that comes out of it when they do what they love that my friends is success.

2) prioritize your time as a Mom and as a career driven woman. Sometimes we feel we can only do one but not both. When you’re running your business and trying to get it off the ground, the down time is very limited but that doesn’t mean that you can’t set aside down time for the people you love. Create a schedule that works and remember to add in DOWN TIME!

3) Be self aware… as parents we have a tendency of not being aware of the effects we have on our kids. We can be so focused in the success and the end result that we can sometimes have blinders on forgetting our kids needs which could just be them wanting Mommy time. Make sure we’re spreading the knowledge of where happiness really comes from. Not from the late nights at the office, but from those special moments we have with the people we love.

Body, Mind & Spirit, growth, Uncategorized

A By Product of my existence

These words popped up into my head yesterday. When I heard a family in my neighborhood arguing. Screaming is more like it if you ask me. Anyways, it made me think of me as a kid when my parents would argue. As kid it felt more like screaming and fighting which I still believe is the case now as an adult. I strongly believe that anything can be hashed out with a heated discussion but not aggressive arguments that lead to nowhere. Screaming and yelling is only saying that I am only willing to hear my own voice and opinion and no one else’s thoughts, feelings or words matter.

It just made me think because kids live there and more often then not the adults are fighting. Those same kids are then coming to school and acting out… I wonder why?…As a child who experienced similar situations, I became very quiet and disconnected from people, especially my family and eventually the world. It took  along time for me realize I was safe and that it was safe to use my words. I see it in some of these children who have to experience this unhealthy way of living.

Who will they be when they’re older and how are they going to interact with the world and themselves?

The definition of a By-product is a secondary product derived from a manufacturing process or chemical reaction. It is not the primary product or service being produced.

Did we get that?… it is only secondary and manufactured but not the primary product. Our primary product is our spirit and our spirit is innocent and pure when we come into this world. The by-product is the manufactured bull shit of society. The manufactured belief system that has been engineered and  engrained in our psyche for so long that it has traveled through our ancestors to us in the present day. So am I a by-product of my existence?…Yes, forced into it if you asked me but I made an oath to myself that I would never stay packaged. My packaging and my product will be forever changing and that is what defines who I am.

So for those kids who are now adults who are still a by-product and scarred… For all the children who are currently living in an unhealthy home….. Just breathe, (sigh) no that you are in control of You and your spirit. No one is in charge of your heart and how you use it. So use it for only love.

Affirmation: I have the ability to change my whole existence for the better through love

life lessons, Uncategorized

When enough is enough

Ok guys!… When is enough in your books? I mean what is your breaking point in terms of reaching your limit?… I am currently in the process of moving my kids to school that is a lot safer and with like minded people. When I moved into my neighborhood, I was in transition. I matched perfectly with my neighborhood and what the current issues are. constantly in fight or Flight mode. I began learning and healing and eventually growing and transforming out of the trauma. It was like it no longer served my purpose. I had healed and moved on. I allowed my kids to stay at a school where it was obviously unsafe but I couldn’t see that because I was in the same transition as them. I want to say,’ How could I be so blind but when you wake up, its not all at once, its in stages.  Right? I’ve grown in stages and I am about to complete a phase in my life. No more Fight or Flight mode. I’m in living mode for myself and my family.

So how do you now you’ve reached the end of a phase?….

You’re reaction to the same situation is different this time. it’s like you no longer have time for the same story and feelings that comes along with it. You can now recognize how it makes you feel and quickly create boundaries to protect yourself.

You will feel like you’ve reached the end of a chapter. A completion and possibly a resolution that was never quite there until now. If we’re lucky, it can occur around a your Birthday or New Years. Those are endings and beginning kind of moments.

If you’re not already hanging out with like minded people…. You will!… the old you can’t fuck around with the same energy… I remember hearing someone say, “I’ll still fuck with you but I won’t stay stuck with you. Words to live by. Even then, be careful who you continue to hang with. If they aren’t for the greater good of you and the process then it’s time to level up to people who match your vibration.

As we get ready to end 2018 and move on to 2019. 2+1+9= 12 and twelve means completions. 2018 was and is about our dreams and desires and making them known to the Universe and 2019 is all about putting them into practice and watching them flourish.

It feels nice to let go and move on and I look forward to the continued growth that I’m committed to.

Affirmation: I AM OPEN TO ALL THE POSITIVITY THAT THE UNIVERSE HAS TO OFFER

Body, Mind & Spirit, Uncategorized

It’s A Commitment

Make a commitment.

To yourself

To the process

To the ups and the downs

A commitment to growth

And transformation

LIBERATION!!!

Righteous Sun

I had a conversation with a friend the other day and we got on to the topic of commitment. What does it mean to truly be committed? And is putting a ring on it actually mean that the man is committed to you?

Let’s get into it…. Some women feel that if their significant other puts a ring on it, it means that they are taking the next step to commitment. However, some men feel that if I have kids with you and living with you then I’m committed and you don’t need a ring.

What are your thoughts?

I said commitment means more to me than just a ring on my finger. If you’re that type of person that is into the symbolism of a ring, then putting a ring on it  means that you’re committing to every piece of that person. The good and the stuff we’re still working through…. Now I’m committed to learning about myself and how I interact with my partner. I’m committed to being patient as he grows and transforms as an individual and as a partner. (Because you have to do both in order for any relationship to last.) We have to be committed to change in and outside ourselves because as we know, no one and nothing  stays the same.

Now just because you get a ring, that doesn’t mean the person is fully committed. How do you know if someone is committed?… Real Simple…

They are committed to themselves first and foremost. Now you’re probably thinking, wait! committed to just themselves?… Isn’t that a little selfish?… It’s not when that person is committing to being the best they can be for themselves and for the person they are involved with. That means growing in every possible way for the greater good.

To make a commitment means that you place value on the person you and who you are becoming. To take it one step further, once you realize that there is no separation between who you are and who you are becoming… Well then…. You are on your way, if not already there. Remember we are universal. We are past, present and Future all in one.

So what now?…. We begin by taking  baby steps towards a commitment to yourself and to the whole process. I love using my screensavers on my laptop and phone for inspirational quotes and affirmations. You use your electronics all the time, so you might as well benefit from them in a way that can remind your spirit who they are and why they’re here.

Another tip that can help in the process is to commit to one day a month of pampering yourself. Just for you. I know it’s getting cold outside if you live in the colder climates, so drop the kids off for a play date and spend the day at home… not cleaning but pampering yourself. I love nice hot baths with essential calming oils that will soothe. Light some candles and VOILA! oh yes!… We can’t forget that favourite bottle of wine. Making a commitment to yourself means that you have to be consistent. So never say that you don’t have time for you… You should always have time for you! The Universe made a commitment to you the day you were born and that my friends is a commitment that will last a lifetime!

Affirmation: I AM COMMITTED TO MYSELF AND THE PROCESS AS A WHOLE.