I came home early from our trip because I wasn’t feeling well. I can’t lie, I didn’t want to go anyway. For a woman who loves the summer weather, today was not the day. It might actually never be the day until I give birth. Did I forget to tell you that I’m pregnant? That’s right Pregnant! It’s not the first but it will for sure be the last. The Final Arcana in my mind. Have I told everyone yet….NO!… It is baby number 4… I feel like by the time a woman gets to baby number 3 it’s not as exciting anymore when you tell people. it’s kinda like they’re like…”well you’ve been there done that” So you’re not as special as the women who are having their first. Especially if you’re over the age of 35. I fell like people are like, “We know you can have a baby, you don’t have to prove it to us… Or, “we get it, you have lots of sex. Anyway by the time you get to baby number 4, people start to feel sorry for you like it was an accident or like you’re dying or something. It’s almost as if they feel sorry for you. There’s no congratulations, its more of , “you poor dear. Can you afford this baby. Can anyone afford babies. If I was Halle Barry or Jlo, It wouldn’t be such a big deal , but because I’m living in a 3 bedroom apt. it’s a travesty. It’s like society wants to make you feel bad about your decision, not like it was a choice to have another baby, none of them were. We intentionally tried once, my husband and I and it never worked, it’s when we weren’t trying that It came naturally, all of our children, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
So for right now, I keep it a secret for just myself and a select few who I trust. Which is not many. To be honest , I haven’t received any positive reactions. only my neighbor and the kids and my husband.. but most guys are excited like they scored in the end zone. You know back in the day, I would have been the one to say oh no!…but a life coming into this world is a true blessing no matter what the circumstances are. It means that God chose for that spirit to enter into your life… and this time it chose me once again to be the vessel. Am I sick as a dog right now?…YES!!! do I want to blink and suddenly be at the end, getting ready to give birth?… YES!!!! but I was chosen so I must grit my teeth and bare down to get through each month.
I don’t share my thoughts very often because I’m good at reading people’s thoughts.. its a gift I have. What I’ve come to realize is that people are very judgmental, and feel like they have their own opinion on how many kids a woman should have, so of course it’s no different with me. but they don’t understand the back story to my life and how this pregnancy means something more than just baby number 4.
After having Nyla, who is child number three, I had encountered many people…people meaning Psychics, who told me I would have another baby and it would be a boy. Now right after having Nyla, I was definitely not thinking about having another baby, and I didn’t think about it for over 6 years, until, this year of 2019 when I lost my dog. I was already pregnant at the time but would have had an abortion because of how sick… it was bad… I was losing weight rapidly and was throwing up like my life depended it on it. Our Cacao, that’s our Chocolate Lab who passed away in March of this year. He was getting old and I was getting very sick from the pregnancy. I couldn’t take care of him and myself. It was clearly evident that I had to make a decision to either keep the baby or let it go. when I made the decision to for through with the abortion and the next day we lost our beloved dog. I don’t think I could have held down the family and myself during such a tragic loss. I had never lost someone so dear to my heart before. It was a double loss. having to make a choice to say goodbye to a spirit in my belly and having to say goodbye to my dog. I almost never forgave myself for that decision. My husband had said to me, “Who would have taken Cacao to heaven”. So there’s a reason for everything. Just like there’s a reason for me having this baby. There’s no such thing as a coincidence in my mind. This baby will be born the same week that our dog passed away. Crazy right?…
I’ll never forget meeting that man in the parking lot after me specifically stopping and asking God to send me an answer. and so he did, in the form of this man who had told me that I would have a son and through this pregnancy, success would come, I would travel and have my own business. something I’ve always dreamed of. I’ve been incredibly emotional with this pregnancy, and feel like I have no control, hence why I’m writing my thoughts out. I asked God what should I do now that I’m on this new journey…. And God said, “write!!!” So here I am documenting my experience being pregnant with baby number 4 at the age of… 37… soon to be 38 in October.
I had a vivid dream 2 years ago that we had bought our dream house and we were standing in front of it . Marcus, Kaori and Nyla were standing in the photo… Mike and I was holding a baby.. we had a new dog, a golden Retriever and it was fall. That dream has stuck with me until this day, and now I believe it’s time to fulfill that dream. No matter what age or how many children I have.