Body, Mind & Spirit, life lessons, Uncategorized

In Her Dreams Part 2

I went to bed in hopes that I would get a good night’s sleep which was highly unlikely but a girl can dream. Which is exactly what I did. This time my dream brought back a loved one that I think about almost every day. Our family dog Cacao. I have lost people in my family in the past but it never affected me the way Cacao did. I think it’s because of those who I have lost within my family I either never knew or I was never very close with. My Grandparents died before I was born and My Father left us when I was 16 years old. I only saw one picture of my Dad through a Facebook post right before he died and I couldn’t go to the funeral because it was in England and I couldn’t afford to travel at the time. I also think I wasn’t ready to face all those memories of the way he treated us which was very unkind.
So, when I lost Cacao, it was definitely like losing a family member. Actually, scratch that… when we lost cacao, we lost a family member. It was the hardest thing to deal with. I never knew I could love someone that much until I lost him. I am a very spiritual woman who understands that when a physical person dies, it’s just their physical body who leaves this earth. Their spirit always lives on throughout the Universe and through our hearts. So, they are never truly gone. I would explain this to my kids almost every day when he passed. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t miss every second of him being gone physically from our lives.
He was this male Father figure in my life if that makes any sense. He was 15 when he passed which is like 120 years old in dog years. It was like we lost an elder, our protector and the one that allowed us even just for a second to just live in the moment. Animals have a way of that to you. They are healers from the other side, spirit animals who come to teach us more about ourselves and to show us how much love is truly in this world. Cacao was the epitome of all those things plus more. When he passed, I remember letting the kids take a few days off of school so we could spend time as a family. I had to go to my son’s school to sign some papers and had to tell the secretary. She was very sympathetic as she had also lost her dog in the past as well. She had told me that losing a dog is one of the hardest things and before I left, she told me you know what Dog spelled backward is?… GOD!
I wasn’t thinking that at all at the time but it melted my heart and brought tears to my eyes. God is this vision of beauty and love that lives within all of us. A love that is full and unconditional. A love that is unmistakably true and divine.
As I dreamed that night, I woke up in my childhood home. I was asleep in my old room and woke up to heavy panting in my ear. As I turned around, I could smell the muskiness of a wet dog. It was Cacao and I could see him as clear as day. He came right up to me and jumped on the bed. He looked right at me and gave me kisses with his wet nose. I was hugging him so tight and petting him until I felt like my hand would fall off. He was fit and healthy like a young dog in his prime I told him how we missed him so much and that we think about him every day.
What felt like forever with him began to fade. It was time for him to go. I didn’t want him to leave and begged for just a bit more time with him. As he began to fade away, the strangest thing began to happen. I sat up on the bed and looked at him, he began to morph into me and mirroring my actions. It was like I was having an out of body experience. Tears began to fall from my face and as I looked at what became me, I smiled back at myself. I got spooked and as I stood up from the bed and began to back up to leave the room, the other half of me ran towards me and jumped back into my body. Cacao was gone. As I walked down the hallway, I took a breath and a song was playing faintly in the background. I knew the song but couldn’t quite put my finger on it. I remembered the voice of the artist. It was from Joe.
When I woke up from the dream, I went to take a shower and decided to search on Itunes for the song by the artist but I couldn’t find it. I truly believe that things flow into our lives when it’s supposed to and we should never force it. So, I didn’t get frustrated, I just went about the rest of my morning. I asked my husband to shave the back of my head, you know just clean up the hair because we were going out for the day with the kids and she said ok. We went into the washroom and he turned on his phone to put some music on and of course, the first song that came on was the song that was playing in my dreams. I told him that was the song that was in my dreams. I grabbed his phone to take a look at what it was called… “Faded Pictures” by Case and Joe.
The lyrics go like this…
She was more than woman, a goddess for all it seems
All I ever needed was her right here loving me
For a while, we were cool and the groovin’ love was on
But I still remember how it felt when our love was gone
In a tattered picture book
Was a photograph she took years ago
Secret memories in her mind
How could love be so unkind?
Heartbreak time, my heart is breaking
Faded Picture in a broken glass
Broken Glass
Like a mirror revealing
(I see, I see)
What the woman is feeling
Was it someone from a distant past?
(Way back long ago)
‘Cause it’s breaking my heart
(My heart)
To watch her stare into the glass
As she turned through the pages
The tears rolled down her face
I could see her reminiscing
Why her life had to be this way
Then she stopped and she came to a page where her diary ends
To smell the scent of an old rose
From her lover I suppose
In a tattered picture book
Was a photograph she took years ago
Secret memories in her mind
How could love be so unkind?
Heartbreak time, my heart is breaking
Faded Picture in a broken glass
Broken Glass
Like a mirror revealing
(I see, I see)
What the woman is feeling
Was it someone from a distant past?
(Way back long ago)
‘Cause it’s breaking my heart
(My heart)
To watch her stare into the glass
Just keeps spinning
As she stares into the glass, I’ll be waiting
“Cause she’s lost inside the past.

The hardest thing was that I never got to say goodbye to Cacao when he died. It happened so quickly. I was at the doctor’s with my son and got a phone call from my husband that Cacao was coughing up blood and he had to rush him to the Vet. He told the neighbors to watch the girls and that he would be right back because Cacao wasn’t feeling well. We thought he was going to come back with him but he didn’t. He was gone. All I wanted was to give him one last hug, to comfort him and tell him that everything was going to be ok on the other side. To tell him that we loved him one last time. I finally got to do that last night in my dream.
I came away with an understanding that even though someone leaves this life on earth, there will always be a piece of them that will forever remain a part of you.

Uncategorized

Pregnant over 35

I came home early from our trip because I wasn’t feeling well. I can’t lie, I didn’t want to go anyway. For a woman who loves the summer weather, today was not the day. It might actually never be the day until I give birth. Did I forget to tell you that I’m pregnant? That’s right Pregnant! It’s not the first but it will for sure be the last. The Final Arcana in my mind. Have I told everyone yet….NO!… It is baby number 4… I feel like by the time a woman gets to baby number 3 it’s not as exciting anymore when you tell people. it’s kinda like they’re like…”well you’ve been there done that” So you’re not as special as the women who are having their first. Especially if you’re over the age of 35. I fell like people are like, “We know you can have a baby, you don’t have to prove it to us… Or, “we get it, you have lots of sex. Anyway by the time you get to baby number 4, people start to feel sorry for you like it was an accident or like you’re dying or something. It’s almost as if they feel sorry for you. There’s no congratulations, its more of , “you poor dear. Can you afford this baby. Can anyone afford babies. If I was Halle Barry or Jlo, It wouldn’t be such a big deal , but because I’m living in a 3 bedroom apt. it’s a travesty. It’s like society wants to make you feel bad about your decision, not like it was a choice to have another baby, none of them were. We intentionally tried once, my husband and I and it never worked, it’s when we weren’t trying that It came naturally, all of our children, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

So for right now, I keep it a secret for just myself and a select few who I trust. Which is not many. To be honest , I haven’t received any positive reactions. only my neighbor and the kids and my husband.. but most guys are excited like they scored in the end zone. You know back in the day, I would have been the one to say oh no!…but a life coming into this world is a true blessing no matter what the circumstances are. It  means that God chose for that spirit to enter into your life… and this time it chose me once again to be the vessel. Am I sick as a dog right now?…YES!!! do I want to blink and suddenly be at the end, getting ready to give birth?… YES!!!! but I was chosen so I must grit my teeth and bare down to get through each month.

I don’t share my thoughts  very often because I’m good at reading people’s thoughts.. its a gift I have. What I’ve come to realize is that people are very judgmental, and feel like they have their own opinion on how many  kids a woman should have, so of course it’s no different with me. but they don’t understand the back story to my life and how this pregnancy means something more than just baby number 4.

After having Nyla, who is child number three, I had encountered many people…people meaning Psychics, who told me I would have another baby and it would be a boy. Now right after having Nyla, I was definitely not thinking about having another baby, and I didn’t think about it for over 6 years, until, this year of 2019 when I lost my dog. I was already pregnant at the time but would have had an abortion because of how sick… it was bad… I was losing weight rapidly and was throwing up like my life depended it on it.  Our Cacao, that’s our Chocolate Lab who passed away in March of this year. He was getting old and I was getting very sick from the pregnancy. I couldn’t take care of him and myself. It was clearly evident that I had to make a decision to either keep the baby or let it go. when I made the decision to for through with the abortion and the next day we lost our beloved dog. I don’t think I could have held down the family and myself during such a tragic loss. I had never lost someone so dear to my heart before. It was  a double loss. having to make  a choice  to say goodbye to a spirit in my belly and having to say goodbye to my dog. I almost never forgave myself for that decision. My husband had said to me, “Who would have taken Cacao to heaven”. So there’s a reason for everything. Just like there’s a reason for me having this baby. There’s no such thing as a coincidence in my mind. This baby will be born the same week that our dog passed away. Crazy right?…

I’ll never forget meeting that man in the parking lot after me specifically stopping and asking God to send me an answer. and so he did, in the form of this man who had told me that I would have a son and through this pregnancy, success would come, I would travel and have my own business. something I’ve always dreamed of. I’ve been incredibly emotional with this pregnancy, and feel like I have no control, hence why I’m writing my thoughts out. I asked God what should I do now that I’m on this new journey…. And God said,  “write!!!” So here I am documenting my experience being pregnant with baby number 4 at the age of… 37… soon to be 38 in October.

I had a vivid dream 2 years ago that we had bought our dream house and we were standing in front of it . Marcus, Kaori and Nyla were standing  in the photo… Mike and I was holding a baby.. we had a new dog, a golden Retriever and it was fall. That dream has stuck with me until this day, and now I believe it’s time to fulfill that dream. No matter what age or how many children I have.

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When Doors Begin to Open

My spirit guides always tell me to write… So here it goes. Ever since I could remember I either wanted to dance or own my own business. I’m the type of person that can’t stick to one project and when the urge hits to try something new…. I’m the first one to the line. Now granted they all haven’t been very successful, I think it’s because I never dedicated myself to one thing…Boredom always catches up with me. Like right now…I’m ready to close the laptop and go rest but It’s clear that getting things off your chest is very valuable to one’s well being. Like a release.

Procrastination and fear of judgement always lingers. Well I procrastinate because of the fear… but that will just take me on a whole other thought so lets stick to this one for now, cause it seems like I’m on a role now with my words as I type away on the key board in peace. Kids are occupied.

As a libra, I dabbled in anything that peaked my interest and brought me joy. What of course didn’t bring me joy but brought me a consistent pay check was the jobs that I either quit or got fired from.

Sorry I lost my train if though due to a child interruption. She needed a snack. What was I saying again?… Oh right! Experimenting with different projects. Although some saw it as just as hobby, I saw it as a learning process. A chance to grow through experience on a very personal level. I can’t lie, I’ve done some serious work on my internal makeup that only now am I starting to see the magic happen on the physical level…. And I’m loving every minute of it. I can’t lie, It makes me feel a bit nervous, like your shedding the old vulnerable you and emerging into a real adult. Hahahahaha! Someone who owns their choices and walks in faith that they as well as their family will always be take care of.

Anyway… back to the story, I told you I can lose my train of thought. I started Aries Collection in 2010 as just an idea. Aries was named after my son’s middle name, and it would a collection of items that were cute and put a smile on my face. It was after I had my son who will soon be 13. Back then, even though it wasn’t that long ago, there were very few selection in terms of boys clothes out on the market. The girls clothes was saturated with a cute variety, and I wanted to change that. I would draw at night on pieces of paper but eventually nothing came of it, circumstances arose and I’m sure I got distracted. I left the concept alone and went on with being a Mom to my son and soon to be second child. A girl who is now 9 and 3 years after that, another girl who is now 6.

It was when I had my third that I returned back to Aries Collection. People thought my daughter was a boy so I decided to make headbands for her and people stared to really take a liking for them. I began creating and selling and the Moms just ate it up. I mean, who could blame them, right? I began to create a small following and it finally felt good to do what I love to do which was to create. Eventually the finances became a little stressful and the business had to be put on hold… The numerous websites and creative work all had to be put on a hold, I think to find out whether or I was ready. I truly believe that the Universe gives you what you need when you’re spiritually ready. That means cleaning out all the cob webs of the past and recreating new thoughts and patterns for the future. You know the adulting stuff… Bringing all my hopes dreams and imagination of my childhood to the forefront of my reality.

Am I rambling yet or am I staying on track?…. Years later, I’m still healing and becoming more clear about my intentions and what I really want for the future of myself and my family. After Losing my beloved chocolate lab of 14 years as well as having a miscarriage all in the beginning of the 2019. I know right?… I realized that it was important for me to get my physical level in order. Mentally, spiritually and emotionally was really coming together but the Universe was asking for me to join the party and to physically raise my energy. I started to get real with myself by making a schedule for myself and committed to the growth of my business. I started stepping out of my comfort zone by participating in different events and markets. Way out of my comfort zone but well worth it. I remember this little voice in my head that said if you only make a little money from your sales, just know that you’ll get a lot more out of it then you might think…. And I did.

Weeks before I had asked the Universe to open the doors for to meet like minded people who would believe in my business and who would support me just on the basis of merit. I couldn’t pay them anything but they wanted to be a part of the journey. Well like I said, the Universe gives what you need when you’re ready. A young woman who was there to support her friend had come to my table… we had got talking and connected right away. Always remember like attracts like. and our good vibes did just that. She was really impressed with the shop and wanted to offer her expertise to help grow my social media platform. It was exactly what I was asking for. I’m not very tech savvy and to be honest have no patience for any of that, not like I used to. I also realized that a growing team in your corner is very valuable.

We were finally able to meet up for a quick meeting so I could drop off some products for her to play around with and revamp my social media presence. With the little time we had, I learned a lot. I learned that there needs to be a clear and concise flow to what you want to put out to your customers. All the things that I knew I  wanted to do but didn’t know how to start it.

So what have I’ve learned here?…. Never give up on your dreams. You can put it on the shelf if you want to if life gets too busy but never forget it….Because it’s waiting for you and will always be waiting for you to finish what you’ve started.

Be clear on what you want. You’re not just getting clear with yourself but with the Universe.

And most importantly…Have faith. Have faith that you will attract the right people and situations to help you achieve the success you desire and deserve.

I hope you can continue to follow my journey through this experience and learn with me as I grow.

xoxox

life lessons, Uncategorized

Getting rid of the leftovers

So we’re almost at that midway point Of the year and it’s a full moon today. Called the Flower moon…. A time to assess the last few years of your progress… great job everyone! As well as a time to rid yourself of the last bit of leftovers that have kept you back from being your true self. That means getting rid of the emotional baggage such as the guilt, the resentment, the hurt and the false belief that you’re not good enough. It’s the crap that still wants to hold on tight to our aura because it has nowhere else to go and it’s ver comfortable in the parts of your being where it’s of course making your life miserable.

The Flower moon is all about fertility. That means new beginnings… the blossoming of the new you…. new experiences. No more leftover feelings that no longer serves your purpose.

We all have a tendency to continue go down the same path that always leads to a dead end which means you just have to repeat the same path or situation until you can get pass that particular obstacle or obstacles.

So how can you get rid of the last bit of leftovers?…..

  • Really get down to your feelings and figure out what’s weighing you down. Once you get real with yourself, take the time to write yourself a goodbye letter to the old you. You can take it one step further and burn it (please remember to be safe)
  • Make a list of all the things you’ve ever wanted to do… and get ready to step out of your comfort zone. Coming out of comfort zone allows you to get to know yourself a bit better and how far you can reach in this vast Universe of possibilities.
  • Make sure you’re staying true to who you are… and the only way to do that is to surround yourself with positive vibes. Keep yourself afloat with the feel good flow, you know the things that keep you motivated.

Remember the only way to release is to realize.

Realize your ability for growth and change.

Realize all the work you’ve done to get to this point.

And most importantly… Realize your worth.

You’re definitely worth more than you realize.

Happy Full moon.

Body, Mind & Spirit, Uncategorized

You owe it to your spirit

I finally got the courage to go to the gym. Now don’t get me wrong… the courage was always there, I just had to find it again. I don’t know what it is about public gyms that I don’t like. I think for me it’s a vulnerable state for me. This feeling as though others are watching you cause most of the time they are. I also look very young, which is a blessing and a curse at the same time but we’ll leave that for another day. A big one for me is not knowing how to use the machines.Anyway, back to my original thought. Lol!

I went back and forth with myself and finally went . It was alright, I felt like I really put a lot into myself today which felt really good. I of course knew I had to eat something because it was lunch time and I especially wanted to make sure it was healthy. I also took it one step further and got some veggie powder to put in my water. This time I’m caring for my health in all categories and this was the piece to the puzzle. So I LOVE sweets. especially pastries. So as I’m about to take a sip of this veggie powder water which was interesting by the way, I made a complaint to myself about getting healthy and My spirit said,

because you owe it me. This journey that your on has been a joint effort internal work is a lot of work and is never ending but my spirit and I have come a long way on this journey and it’s time to show appreciation to my entire temple.

The Body has to house that strong spirit you’ve become. No matter what you look like or how you think you might feel. You owe it. Like a thank you for all the growth and wisdom that I’ve learned along the years. Thank you for being there even when I wasn’t at my best and thank you for motivating me to do what I was meant to do on this earth.

Everyday will be different, that’s why its so important that you listen to your body to understand what it is asking of you. No pressure, just paying attention to the subtle ques. Every now and then, try and, to push yourself outside of your comfort zone. Challenge yourself. Your are limitless!

Body, Mind & Spirit, Uncategorized

Finding the Rhythm

It’s Only been a week, yes since I’ve begun to find a rhythm. It has been a Mercury  Retrograde and it finally ended today. Now It’s time for reflection. It’s been really nice to finally get into the swing of things. So many of us are stuck in those habits that make us feel comfortable, but this Mercury retrograde is almost forcing us to break bad habits. To finally recognize those things that were holding us back and do what is right for our spirit. It’s about finding the rhythm and the balance.

As a parent with three kids. All who have different activities and lets not forget different personalities, I have to maintain a balance that allows me to stay unbothered as much as possible. I mean really, being a Mom is full of schedules and activities and it’s never ending, but the old me was to concerned with the overwhelming feeling of being able to take on all those tasks without burning myself out. Now I’ve to see that it’s the little self care moments that if you take it on at your own pace, you’ll find it will begin to help you in other areas of your life.

There’s a lo of us out there that believe that if we are constant grind  will get us to all our final destination or wish. The truth is… It’s about constantly feeding ourselves with the feel goods. From drinking water everyday as well as getting the proper amount of rest. However we also tend to put a lot of pressure on ourselves by setting these outlandish goals  and when we don’t complete our desired goal that we set for ourselves, we immediately put ourselves down, give up and repeat the steps on a later date. You have to believe in your truth at that moment. Believe that you have the capabilities to reach that desired goal but at your own pace. Everyday will be different, which in my opinion is a good thing. Your body will tell you what it needs, just as long as you’re listening to your higher self to find out what feels good to your spirit.

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Nurturing the success of your children as well as yourself

Now I’m no expert in parenting but going to an event that I was already hesitant to go to but for some reason decided to stop in got me thinking really hard… I mean some real food for thought.

The event was in honour of people of colour for Black history month a friend of mine had invited me and so I thought I don’t think I’ve ever really honoured my blackness in public with other people of colour so why not go. The speaker was someone very influential. So I guess I wanted to hear how this woman got to where she was today all while being a mother. When the question was finally raised about motherhood and how she had navigated through all of her rise to success all while being a single mom her response was this, “it was all a blur” which would explain a lot.

You see I don’t know this speaker personally but I do know of her daughter and I know that in someways her Mother’s success affected her In many ways then one and that’s what got me thinking…. even though she is very successful in her career the parenting piece was all a blur. What I’m saying is I don’t want my parenting and my time with my kids to be a blur because I was so driven towards my own success. We can find success in so many different things we can find success in the big things as well as the little things and sometimes the success that we do find is really those happy times and those connected moments with the ones we love.

Even as women of colour there is always this hardness behind us that’s more along the lines of ‘suck it up butter cup’, as oppose to the gentle nurturer. I can attest by my own mother and how she navigated through her career and being a Mom. Now that I’m a Mom, I can understand where they were coming from. They were single Moms who were really living in survival mode for themselves and most importantly for their children and so they did what ever they had to, to get to that next level, even if it meant that the kids wouldn’t get the gentle Motherly type.

So the question is how can we as parents nurture our success and our children’s success at the same time?….

These are some of the tools I’ve learned and continue to apply to my life and my family life.

1) in order to nurture the success of your children you first have to find out what they love… as a Mom I have always paid attention to the interest of my kids. My son loves science and nature and so we try and find activities that foster his interests.

My middle one loves gymnastics and is a natural and my little loves music and so I’m slowly moving her in that direction because that’s what she loves. Now of course as a parent I had different plans but when the Universe shows you the joy that comes out of it when they do what they love that my friends is success.

2) prioritize your time as a Mom and as a career driven woman. Sometimes we feel we can only do one but not both. When you’re running your business and trying to get it off the ground, the down time is very limited but that doesn’t mean that you can’t set aside down time for the people you love. Create a schedule that works and remember to add in DOWN TIME!

3) Be self aware… as parents we have a tendency of not being aware of the effects we have on our kids. We can be so focused in the success and the end result that we can sometimes have blinders on forgetting our kids needs which could just be them wanting Mommy time. Make sure we’re spreading the knowledge of where happiness really comes from. Not from the late nights at the office, but from those special moments we have with the people we love.