Its been an emotional couple of weeks since the kids went back to school. Other years I was prepared, like a veteran getting the routine down pat. This time however… Let’s just say I haven’t bounced back from the summer and am trying to catch up. I was sloth tired, not wanting to get out of bed and forcing my body to move at a pace that was just not nice, so my body was telling me. I was definitely not listening to what my body was telling me because I am currently laid up at home with a cold. I NEVER catch a cold and I have an immune system of 10 armies. My army of fighters clearly needed to rest and recoup.
Note: Our bodies will sometimes force us into resting by knocking us out a an illness. It’s the spirit asking for us to STOP and RESTORE.
Stop everything that you are doing including your thoughts and allow the spirit to restore its self to a proper balance.
Like I was saying this was the first year, I hadn’t had my shit together for back to school. My mind was still on laying under the sun. Can you blame me? I guess as you go through life you forget that everyone is growing up and so are you. I look like I’m 19 years old even though I’m 36, soon to be 37. Let’s hear it for the 80’s babies. The simpler times before life became more intricate. Well we’re in 2018 now, and when you think you have it all figured out as a person, an entrepreneur and especially a Mom and suddenly realize wait a minute this is a whole new phase I wasn’t prepared for. We were doing the best we could as parents, cause that’s really all you can do… We make sure to give them all the love that they deserve and they deserve it all, and to see our son struggle with anxiety, all while trying to find his way through this now intricate world that has been created. It broke our hearts.
It broke my heart because it took me so long to get over anxiety and heal in general. It took many days of meditation and healing practices that I now teach and administer to others. I am a Reiki healer and intuitive counselor and not forget a kids yoga teacher…. and for some reason I couldn’t help my son. After tossing his cookies one morning and breaking out in a rash to wanting to come home early and crying in the school washroom. That wasn’t like my Marcus at all. I went straight to the principal and explained that he had began experiencing anxiety the begging of summer due to a tree almost fall on him and his friends during a wind storm. It was enough to get him spooked and enough for it to carry over and never fully recover. Only magnifying it with the change from grade 6 to grade 7.
We set him up with someone to talk to every Tuesday at school… he seems to like that, and because he’s bored outside when his friends go out at lunch he helps out in the office, which he likes and so do I. This is all with the hopes that he gains confidence and finally settles into this new change.
While being on Mom duty, which is a 24/7 job I might add, I was also dealing with my emotional self. Wondering why I was so emotional and caught in my feelings. My period had just ended. I should feel a bounce back, which I normally do. This time, I was forgetting everything. Thy Gym keys yesterday, the girls went to school with no juice box, my keys to the apartment when I took the dog for a walk… I’m pretty sure the list goes on but I can’t even remember that. LOL!
It got me thinking though. You know, as to why I felt like mush and didn’t know my right to my left. For the first time in along time, I hadn’t a clue what the Fuck I was doing with my life and where it was going. I cancelled one of my classes permanently. I was rushing into a lot of things and making decisions out of frustration. Sometimes when we are clumsy, it’s our spirit telling us to slow down. I can’t lie… I even went as far as to question if I was really healed from all the trauma I suffered growing up. Sigh! I am about to embark on a new project. One that I was sitting on for a long time and knowing that I would do it with this particular amazing woman, I call my friend and in the way that seems fitting through Indigenous traditions and culture. We will be facilitating a women’s group that will aid in healing trauma that can lead to anxiety. We will be getting funding towards this amazing opportunity…. So how can I reach these people if I don’t tell my story? being the quiet one who just listens. I never thought that the things I experienced was even relevant or of any importance and so I buried it away. Only find to finds other ways to heal or reprogram my thoughts or even me for that matter. The only things is I every so often resort back to those thoughts of mistrust and fear of only being able to rely on myself when times are rough….. and that’s just no true.
So have I fully healed? I now know that healing takes time. it takes emotions to be felt and expressed in any way that allows your body, mind and spirit to breathe. The roots of your trauma can run deep, so deep that it touches your ancestors…. and if we don’t heal from the core and sever those old thoughts and beliefs than we will forever be coping. I’m tired of just coping… I WANT TO LIVE!!! And I want others to live as well.
In the next couple of weeks I will hopefully be meeting with an elder. I never had the opportunity to meet my grandparents in person, and have always had a fascination with the wise thoughts and presence that an older person brings to the table.
Well I look forward to getting back to the new Me! This is only the beginning of me diving deeper into the vault of my psyche…. Just when you’re getting the hang of it.